Almost Ten Going on Twenty
My son will be ten in 10 days.
Fuck. I feel tired.
Ten years old. Where did all the time go? It zoomed by in an endless swooping haze of too fast. Too tall. Too big.
As I walked Brenna and Kilian to school this morning, I watched his loping gait. His stick legs poking out of jeans that are too short. His ridiculous white socks peeking conspicuously over his huge ungainly feet (socks that I suspect he's been wearing for three days already though he claims that this is not the case. However, I've seen the undersides...).
When did my 51cm baby turn into a monster with size 39 feet?
I think it was overnight.
I heard gremlins.
My baby.
Sigh.
Last night, Mr C picked me up at the train station to whisk me off to the local DIY so that we could pick tiles for the bathroom. I mentioned at one point that we should hurry so that we could pick Kilian up from his English class.
"Nah. No worries. He's got his bike and he knows where I hid the housekey."
My brain freaked the fuck out. I felt the pop of apoplexy. "WTF? Wait a minute. How did he get to English class?"
"I drove behind him as he biked there."
"You're seriously OK with him biking home in the dark?"
"... Oh.... Right. I forgot about the dark bit..."
...
We just missed him. We caught up to Kilian right before he crossed the first intersection. We followed behind his wiggling backside as he crossed the bridge at the train station. Watching him, my eyes riveted, my heart jockeyed for space in my throat. I thought that my brain would implode and leave my eyes shallow glass marbles. Empty. Except for those damn tears.
I can imagine how he must have gloried in his freedom. Privately. When glimpsing his face though, you might not have guessed it; he looked so stoic at this new responsibility of arriving home safely on his own. Not just for himself.
But for me. For me, the mother, who worried about what could happen.
My baby. That little boy who still cuddles up to me on the couch. Who will instantly come and give me a hug if he senses that I'm feeling down.
I asked him what it was like, to bike home all by himself for the first time. He shrugged. "It was nothing special."
Oh yes it was.
To me.
13 COMMENT(s):
Aww, you made me bawl.
My baby now asks me for the car keys. He gives that' it was nothing' shrug each time he does something that amazes me.In six months he'll be eighteen.
I look in the mirror and don't recognise the woman looking back at me. Inside I am still an insecure eighteen year old.
Ten's a big one. I'm already dreading five next year. It's so hard to see them turn into little men.
They're both adorable by the way. Love the peace sign!
Size 39? Woah...my almost 11 year old is just hitting 36. He's going to be tall! It is funny seeing them grow up...I bet he did love riding home by himself.
Your children are beautiful and you made me have a headache from unshed tears. Very suspenseful and touching post.
Being a ten year old girl was exciting. I can only imagine what it must be like to be an almost 10 year old boy. Some of my most vivid memories remain from my 9th year and my bicycle's offer of freedom.
I hope that you will all have a wonderful celebration of your tenderhearted son's first decade on planet earth!
Happy upcoming birthday to you both, maman?
Please forgive the interrogation mark after maman. I meant to key an exclamation mark!
Michelle: OMG. Car keys! I think the driving age is 18 in this country. But I'm not sure.
I know what you mean about feeling like an 18 year old myself.
Miss Chris: Yup. Ten is huge. Still can't get over how quick it's been. That photo was right before we put the two of them on a train for ski camp. It's the only photo I have where they weren't goofing off in excitement. Brenna is particularly hilarious in her faux standoffish way.
Poppy fields: Dude is going to be very tall! I have an uncle who is extremely tall. Soon we'll be buying his shoes in speciality stores. Sigh.
LaFramericaine: I'm sorry for giving you a headache! It felt so weird writing that out yesterday, I guess my melancholy came through a bit too strongly.
And yes! I remember all of the daring things my friends and I used to get up to as nine year olds which is why I felt silly about my little clutch of fear when he was riding his bike alone (and supervised to boot!). But still.
And no worries about the question mark. ;-)
"I drove behind him as he biked there."
That really hit me. It's something I would - and probably will - do. They grow up fast, I was watching my little boy run around in his new trainers yesterday wondering where the baby went.
Ah. . . this too shall pass! Enjoy it all - the ups and downs and in-betweens, b/c it goes soo fast! My first born adorable son just turned 31 - Aackk!!! How did THAT happen??
Mme C,
Please don't get me wrong, my headache was from my own unshed tears before the poignancy of your beautiful and heartfelt post. Which reminds me of this C&W song I heard, very appropriately, out in the middle of Oklahoma:
Your Gonna Miss This
She was staring out that window, of that SUV
Complaining, saying I can't wait to turn 18
She said I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said I was just like you
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this
Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her It's a nice place
She says It'll do for now
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says Baby, just slow down
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this
Five years later there's a plumber workin' on the water heater
Dog's barkin', phone's ringin'
One kid's cryin', one kid's screamin'
She keeps apologizin'
He says They don't bother me.
I've got 2 babies of my own.
One's 36, one's 23.
Huh, it's hard to believe, but ...
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this
You're gonna miss this
Yeah, you're gonna miss this
*****************************
You can take a listen here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=vG9XfJxMY8A&feature=related
Awh, I remember the days of growing up. Happy birthday to him, he looks great.
Hello,
Nice discovering your blog.
My son will be 10 next wednesday. Moving into double digits pour la vie!
Have a beautiful day,
Brigitte
LaF: Thank you. Just the other day, when my children were fighting over something silly, just thinking of that song made me feel better.
SSG: Yeah. I remember too. Which is probably why I'm dreading the big 1-0. I hope it isn't all downhill from here. :-)
PinP: OMG! I hadn't even thought of the fact that he's moving into double digits for the rest of his life! Arrgh. :-) I hope you have a nice day too. Thanks for stopping by.
Girl, what an EXCELLENT post ** I so need to get back to reading you more regularly. Forgive me for I have sinned! Happy, happy belated birthday to Kilian!!
P.S. Miss you, doll...
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